DLC Rage Makes Me Rage

Holy fuckbiscuits filled with awesome sauce game!

So Mass Effect 3 is coming out on the 6th, and it turns out it’s not the only thing coming out that day. The “From Ashes” DLC that introduces a new character into the Mass Effect franchise will also be hitting on launch day for the price of $10. If you’re tuned into any Mass Effect wavelength on the planet, then you’re no doubt aware that some fans of the franchise, many of whom have already pre-ordered the game, find this as not only an affront to them as a customer but also as a human being. Slinging hyperbolic phrases like “[This] is not worth what little dignity I have left!” and “FUCK YOU BIOWARE. I’m really hoping that’s the EA side of you guys talking because this first-day DLC bullshit is a load of crap. That’s like saying I can watch Star Wars, but I’ll have to pay an extra 5 bucks to hear Darth Vader speak. Maybe when you start learning how to respect and value your customers, you’ll see your precious sales numbers rise. Until then, go fuck yourself with a dildo rolled in glitter.” (sic) abound on any news post about the DLC that has comments enabled.

It’s EA, everyone should know they’re getting a solid fisting for their game purchase. As a proud owner of the Dead Space 2 Collector’s Edition for the PC, I know how hard I got the shaft in terms of DLC and not getting the FREE EXTRA MULTIPLAYER MAPS THAT THE CONSOLE GOT.

That being said, DS2 CE set me back $79.99. I have played the game 5 times, and at an average of 10hrs a run, that’s 50 hours of single player gameplay, even though I have hundreds of hours invested in the multiplayer segment, but that’s not important. 50 hours of dismembering necromorphs… across 5 plays. I’ll get at least that if not more from a Mass Effect 3 CE for the same price. So my initial playthrough alone will contain as much entertainment time as my DS2 obsession. For the same price. Now, the complete cost of all of ME2′s DLC was a whopping $45. That’s for every bit of DLC.

Now, Mass Effect doesn’t do the normal thing when it comes to DLC. Mass Effect 2 DLC wasn’t just the best franchise DLC, but Lair of the Shadow Broker was the best DLC ever made. Not only that, but it was better than entire games I’ve played (I’m looking at you, Silent Hill: Homecoming).

So let’s assume that ME3 follows suit. $79.99 for the CE or DDE + $45 for all the DLC. That’s $125. That’s still $25 CHEAPER than the Halo: Reach Legendary Edition. And for way, WAY, W-A-Y more gameplay content. Granted, you won’t be getting a 10lb statue to accentuate your virginity, so that might be a deal breaker for some.

What's sex?

The most expensive prophylactic ever sold.

The point is, $125 for 70-100 hours of a single playthrough of the best scifi franchise (sic: notice the lack of the word “gaming?” Yeah, that’s intentional) since Star Wars. And to all you BSG lovers: I lurvs me some Bill Adama as much as the next sane, toaster-hating human–but Mass Effect spares you the agony of DEBATES IN SPACE because they blew their entire budget on the special effects for the finale and the two episodes leading up to it and, after pleasing you in ways you didn’t know a TV show could, it bricks in your face with mitochondrial Eve and a dancing robot. Yeah… Mass Effect doesn’t do that.

Before I move on, let me note that. For the world that didn’t pirate BSG and didn’t wait for it to be out on netflix, but actually paid a cable bill to watch BSG as it aired. You spent way more than $125 over the course of four years and change to watch that show. Non-interactive, completely linear. You paid, even with a basic cable package that includes SciFi… at least $1440 – $1920 to watch BSG as it aired.

The point I’m laboring over is that $60, $80, or GOD FORBID $125 for scores or even hundreds of hours of entertainment is still a good deal. The problem is that we’re spoiled in video games. We’re spoiled in entertainment in general. If producers of entertainment charged according to the work that went into the product like, say, the contractor that builds a house, we’d all be fucked. Can you even imagine how much a blu-ray of AVATAR would cost? Instead, the entertainment industries streamline the price structure. You pay as much for AVATAR or The Dark Knight as you do a Wayans Brother movie. We’re spoiled so rotten that we’re a fitting analogy to a child surrounded by Kit Kat bars, screaming and writhing around on the floor because there’s no Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups in the pile. Let me make one thing clear: Kit Kats are fucking delicious.


So you’re not accustomed to day one DLC. So you didn’t expect to be enticed to spend another $10 or upgrade to a CE or DDE and that rubs you the wrong way. So you expected, completely unrealistically, for EA to break character and give you an unfathomably sensual reach-around. And now you know your expectations have been ram-rodded. You still get to fly around the galaxy as Commander Mother-Fucking Shepard, have sex with blue aliens, green aliens, lizard aliens, and aliens stuck inside a quarantine suit (my personal fav). You still get to spec as a Vanguard and CHARRRRRGE. And now your getting to do more of it.

If any person declaring boycott has been to the cinema in the last 5 years, you need to shut the gaping hole in your face, and fast. $9-12 for a movie ticket (more in some places) to sit in a lard-infused seat with countless amounts of fart juice and popcorn grease to stare, zombified, at a screen for a mere 2-3 hours of escapism are out of your Batarian-loving minds.

The sentimental value that people place on entertainment and the perception of what it “should cost” vs. the realities of what they’re actually getting never cease to astound and confuse me.

It’s Mass Effect 3. Personally, I’d blow a vagrant behind a 7-11 if it meant I got to play it. So just preorder it already and stop blathering on like a giant undulating vagina about how you shouldn’t have to pay for something else on launch day.


hurrf durrf

Reality is a lot more complex than a burly bandit in a back alley waiting to take your ass virginity for three easy payments of $19.95.

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