Things I like to do.

Often times I get more joy from simple, subtle acts of assholeishness that they often boil down to the very things that make or break my day. So in an effort to spread the essence of asshole around a little, I thought I’d publish some of the things that I do.

  • When I see a car coming up in the rear view mirror I change lanes so they have to pass me on the right.
  • I like to fart in an elevator and then ask the next person that gets on if it smells like egg salad in there.
  • When someone pulls up behind me with a cart full of groceries and all I have is a drink, I’ll write a check.
  • When the light changes from red to green, and I need to turn left, I’ll floor it through the turn before the other cars can go in front of me.
  • Stare at people in public, when they acknowledge me, I wave and keep staring.
  • Go through the drive-thru and ask for a straw.
  • Repeatedly ask for a subtotal at Wal*Mart and then continuously say “yeah, yeah that’s good” each time.
  • When speaking with a customer service rep, I ask them how long they’ve been with the company, then apologize.
  • Pay for an oil change with quarters.
  • When a coworker leaves their computer unlocked, change the keyboard layout.
  • When signing a credit card receipt, I’ll often just draw a penis.
  • Slide a dollar bill inside the toilet paper dispenser in a public restroom, then use the stall next to it and listen as someone wastes 10 minutes of their life trying to get it out.
  • When you’re the last to exit an elevator, push all the buttons.
  • When walking down the same isle as the condoms, I’ll loudly ask if we’re out of lube.
  • Swap two items on the shelf so the other appears to be on sale.
  • Purposely use the squeaky cart.
  • When playing Counter-Strike, only use the automatic sniper rifle. When people complain: knife them.
  • In MMOs, watch the trade channel for expensive items, then offer the seller 1/10th the asking price. When they say “no way,” kick it up 10%.
  • When people tell me about their problems, quote something from classic literature. Make sure it has nothing to do with their problem, but make it sound like it does.
  • When a jackass in a bigass truck parks funny to avoid getting doorbanged, pull up next to them, doorbang the truck, then park somewhere else.
  • When someone parks really close to the left line, pull in next to them and park really close to the right line.
  • Use your car keys to lock all the bathroom stalls.
  • Ask for a Route 44 Milkshake at sonic. When they say they don’t come in that size, ask for two large shakes and an empty44oz cup. While still at the drive thru window, pour the shakes into the big cup and hand the girl back the little ones.
  • Use the handicap stall before a guy in a wheelchair. Just because he’s handicapped doesn’t mean he can’t wait like the rest of us.

That’s a decent idea of the little things that bring joy into my life. These are the things that make life worth waking up for each and every day, to see the look one someone’s face that shouts out, in ways only glares can, “what an asshole.”

May this bring you the same warm fuzzies that were brought to me.

I know that if you follow these teachings, you will find true happiness. And I know that this is true because I’ve seen it work in my own life.

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6 Responses to “Things I like to do.”

  1. Katie L. says:

    LOL. Do you really do this stuff? Or are you makin’ it up?

  2. Bekah says:

    Bwahaha! I love you!

  3. Fealiks says:

    “Stare at people in public, when they acknowledge me, I wave and keep staring.”

    I do this one a lot tbh.

  4. Katie says:

    I like the Sonic one. I never pass up a chance to point out someone being stupid when Im in a pissy mood. :)

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