Pepperidge Farm: Servants of evil.

I was recently munching on a delicious mint milano, wondering why they tasted so good. So I decided to take a look at the package, and what I saw made me sick. I had to go purge the evil cookies from my stomach, and have since decided that Pepperidge Farm are soul-harvesting demonspawn.

Delicious as they seem to the untrained eye, this is what I discovered:

Begin with a baker’s soul. Seek the finest ingredients. Explore nature’s infinite variety of flavors and textures – sweet, crunchy, rich… oh, and chocolate. Entertain inspirations. Embrace decadent cravings. Reward yourself. Open… Taste… Delight.

(This list is on the ACTUAL packaging, hidden in plain sight!)

So, from the ingredient list above, these scrumptuous little crisps of Sweeney Todd proportions require the following:

  1. A Baker’s Soul. No wonder the factories are all operated by illegals, the bakers are for the cookies!
  2. The finest ingredients, which are obviously children, and the packaging expressly mentions to find the best flavors and textures, that sweet, crunchy, and RICH children make the best cookies.
  3. They tell you to embrace your decadent cravings, so it’s time to open up and find that little piece of John Gacy inside yourself.
  4. Reward yourself. Not to be too bold, but this smells of Ouija. There’s no greater satisfaction than, after eating a child, to seance its soul and mock it.

These sadistic, evil, twisted sons of whores are stealing our children in the night and baking them into sinfully addictive treats, aeronamically designed to slide into your stomach at speeds of maximum delicious!

Unlike the Girl Scouts, who have no problem with making their cookies out of actual girl scouts, these bastards at P.F. don’t give us the least little clue that we’re devouring the souls of bakers and children.

Boycott these assholes, no baker worth their salt should be flavoring my cookies, and no immigrant worth their swim should be making my cookies. The last time I stayed at a Comfort Inn the shower floor was all sticky.

Bad form, Mexico. Bad form.

Pepperidge Farm: I know what you did last Parent-Teacher Conference.

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2 Responses to “Pepperidge Farm: Servants of evil.”

  1. Katie L. says:

    You are evil. And funny.

  2. AJ says:

    hey if it’s good enough for johnathan swift…

    also rich children make the best cookies but poor orphans make better pie

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